Friday, January 18, 2013

Scared, Yet Surrendered

It's a strange place that I've found myself in - this year of turning 40.  That's quite a few years already lived.  Have I fully invested myself in them?  I thought about it as I prepared to walk with my son down the aisle of the church a few weeks ago.  I've been thinking about it as I gather up ideas for our middle son's high school graduation.  It was certainly on my mind as I ordered Kindergarten curriculum last fall for our youngest starting school.  Each day that the Lord gives me - I'm accountable for it.  There was time wasted away on things that didn't matter.  Many days I spent doing things no one else noticed.

I'm not a stranger to being scared.  These last 9 years have been pure redemption.  I can still remember sitting in that hospital bed waiting for my surgery, not knowing if I'd get to be a Momma much longer.  I was scared deep.  By God's grace He showed me how to surrender. He then let me learn to be a momma all over again - twice!  I can still feel her scared when I see this picture.

surrender: To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.

Say it with me - OUCH!  As a mom, I need to be in control to a certain degree or we'd never get anything done around here.  But too often I take that role of being in control over into areas it doesn't belong. 

Surrender is HARD.  Surrender is NECESSARY!  Fully investing my life calls for some serious surrender.

We shared our big news yesterday.  Some may think we're just all giddy over this decision.  Let me be brutally honest and tell you we are not.  This isn't a time to be giddy.  

If any of you have done foster care or adoption paperwork you know that throughout it are a bunch of reality checks. For a brief moment today I stopped and thought ... "just WHAT are we signing up for??"  {smile} Each time I get scared though, it's just because something reminded me how selfish I am.  My love for SLEEPING at night.  My calendar that I'm pretty much in CONTROL of - I kind of like it that way. 

This journey we are on will call for deep surrender in so many areas of our lives.  

When I get scared about whether friends and family members will understand it can cause me to spiral so fast.  I spend time caring about pleasing man instead of focusing on my Creator.  When I get scared about how drastic our family's life might change in the coming year it can cause me to doubt. 

I'm done trying to fight off scared.  See, that's the abundantly amazing thing about the Father - He doesn't expect me to follow only after I've shed off all my hindrances.  He wants to use me right now.  He wants to work through me.  It wants to do great things in spite of me.  He accepts this scared momma just as she is.  What He wants most is a heart fully surrendered.  

So while I might still be scared, I choose this day - and every day forward - to walk surrendered.  Surrendered to the unknowns.  Surrendered to the sad.  Surrendered to the hard.  

Something amazing happens when I surrender.  He fills my life with purpose.  He fills my mind with truth.  He fills my heart with hope.  It feels good!  It is in this place that I know my life will be fully invested.

Is the Father calling you to a place of surrender?  Have you been trying to please man?  Trying to find your significance in things of this world?  Has He called you to care about those who are forgotten? Does He want your heart to learn to really love your family?  It's ok if you're scared.  Turn to Him.  He accepts the scared.

As you surrender may you embrace purpose, truth and hope.

We completed our application paperwork today.  I found myself smiling more today.  Anticipation welled up inside my heart this evening.  The Father is preparing us.  

You can find our hope bands here.

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